Why Coldplay Sucks.
Hype, that's why.
I usually avoid talking about music, because it's reallyreally personal to people - seriously - you'll get a bigger reaction if you tell someone their band sucks than if you start arguing about abortion, or God, or something big like that. But I'm taking a stand against Coldplay.
Now, mind you, CBK is right - I love me some whiny Britpop, be it The Cure, Pulp, Keane, The Vaselines, etc. But, man oh man, it's just too much with Coldplay.
I'm not sure when I turned on them - whether it was the first time I heard that "'Clocks' is the greatest song ever written!" or that "XY is so beautifully perfect it made me cry!" Then came the barrage of completely non-objective, non-critical reviews from music whores - er, critics - who didn't want to be the kid picked last:
"If Christ descended from the heavens with an armada of angels to form a rock band, it would still suck compared to Coldplay!"
"The world exists but for air, water, and Coldplay!"
"When I go to Coldplay concerts, I dare not turn away, for fear that all life will cease to exist!"
"What is the meaning of the XY album cover, and how dramatically will this impact Sino-Russian trade agreements?"
Gave it all a listen, and you know what? It was so frightfully tedious - and I was later shocked to discover that they actually had a drummer, as he apparently fell asleep during the recording session, leaving only the sound of Chris Martin singing through his nose.
Despite being tedious and overhyped, I still hear it bandied about that Coldplay is the successor to U2 for "Greatest Band Ever In the Known Universe and Probably All Alternate Universes As Well, And Don't You Forget It", or whatever the title is.
So the Coldplay Kool-Aid Drinkers need to settle the fuck down and just put it a bit in perspective. And, of course, the KADs could also pool their money and get Coldplay a drummer, so their music has some variety of rhythm to it - that'd help.
And, of course, to ensure my readers that I'm not alone, I also encourage a reading of "The Case Against Coldplay", in the New York Times, which chit-chats a little about "The grandiose, calculated self-pity of the decade's most insufferable band."
posted by Bliss at 7:51 AM
29 Comments:
YOU ARE WRONG! COLDPLAY IS THE GREATEST BAND EVER! COLDPLAY'S MUSIC IS SO GOOD THAT IT TRAVELLED BACKWARD THROUGH TIME AND CREATED THE UNIVERSE ITSELF! AND APPARENTLY JESUS CHRIST MASTURBATES TO PICTURES OF CHRIS MARTEN WHILE LISTENING TO "YELLOW"!
DON'T BE A HATER JUST BECAUSE COLDPLAY IS AWESOME AND YOU SUCK!!!!
I don't care that they exist so long as they leave me alone, which to this point they have done nicely. Until this week, when every time I click the link to this site I find new info about a band I can't be bothered to care about.
I enjoy A Rush of Blood to the Head on occasion, but I certainly don't think they're awesome. When the song "Yellow" came out I thought it sucked and I haven't been too impressed with XY from what I've heard so far. I'll probably never see them in concert, either.
See, this is the best part about never watching entertainment news or listening to the radio. I like what I like and don't have to hate something because of the hype, baby.
Because I really do hate hype.
ACW - Ok, I promise to put up a post about Avril Lavigne, just for you. ;)
Trix - Hrm? What's up with that, Ms. CrankyPants? Of all the offensive stuff I put on my blog, you're bent out of shape over a couple of Coldplay references?
Those mock Coldplay reviews (and ACW's endorsement) give me an idea. We should start a "Facts about Coldplay" list along the lines of the Chuck Norris facts fad. That could get funny.
And then, of course, it would get old.
Fact: Coldplay's lead singer, Chris Martin, has a voice ten times higher than can even be heard by dogs. He has to wear a special device on his throat so it can be heard by humans and canines alike.
Fact: Chris Martin does not consume food or water. He lives off light, soft piano music and fairy dust.
(Much like Gwynth.)
Fact: Coldplay does not play their instruments. Their sorrow does.
Fact: Women who look directly at images of Chris Martin for longer than 1/10 of a second immediately become pregnant.
And then name their kids after fruit.
(Just like Gwynth.)
Coldplay used to open for Keane.
I think Chris and Gwyneth should name the next sprog 'Kumquat'.
In 1967, in a moment of LSD-induced clairvoyancy, John Lennon confided in Paul McCartney that there was ultimately no point to the Beatles because Coldplay would one day eclipse them and the world would forget their music entirely.
Coldplay does not actually play musical intruments. The uberhypnotic effect of Chris Martin's gaze makes the human brain create audial hallucinations that cannot be matched by human voices.
:) Sweet.
Coldplay makes me sleepy.
Fact: Coldplay invented cupcakes.
I don't like that apparently now Travis is being inspired by Coldplay. I saw Travis like 6 years ago and they were just fine as they were, and it was way before I'd ever heard of Coldplay.
Fact: No two countries that have hosted a Coldplay tour have ever been at war with one another... but they have grown melancholy.
Coldplay invented happiness just so we would know how sad they really are.
Fact: Pharmaceutical companies have been anonymously promoting Coldplay for years in order to seel more anti-depressants.
Fact: Every emo band is actually Coldplay in disguise....but the depression is all real.
Fact: Coldplay holds the weight of the world on their sallow shoulders. If they were to break up, the world would drown in melancholy.
Fact: Coldplay is now where Radiohead was in the early 1990s. Oh wait, that one is true.
They're all true, Juicy. They're all true.
Camo - I was under the impression that Coldplay copied Travis, but just got bigger. "Why Does It Always Rain on Me" came out well before "Yellow".
Bliss: Coldpay is NOT emo, but I'll skip that soapbox opportunity. ;-)
Fact: Chris Martin's bandmates had their ear canals removed so that they could still perform Chris' music and not falter on stage from the weight of the raw emotion Chris radiates.
Didn't say Coldplay was emo. :) It's what they do on the side to complain more about their pain. ;) Except with silly haircuts, a Hot Topic wardrobe, and a popped-up SoCal punk sound. :)
Fact: Chris Martin is the exact opposite of Chuck Norris, and at the end of time, the two will fight for control of the afterlife.
While almost 56 women have come forward claiming to be Chris Martin's mother, none of them truly are: Chris Martin hatched from an egg which was laid by a Gryphon
//I was under the impression that Coldplay copied Travis, but just got bigger. "Why Does It Always Rain on Me" came out well before "Yellow".//
Good, I KNEW it!
//If they were to break up, the world would drown in melancholy.//
Fact: Even if they don't, the world will drown in the tears of billions of people listening to "Clocks" simultaneously in 2008.
The collected tears of virgins listening to Coldplay have fetched upwards of one million dollars per ounce in society auctions for their legendary healing and restorative powers.
... but no one has ever purchased those tears except Chris Martin, who dries them into a powder and snorts them in order to stay forever young and morose.
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